looking back...looking ahead

I’ve been taken by surprise by how hard this move has been for me. After all, we’ve been doing this for awhile now-- this is Steve’s 11th military assignment. That’s what I get for ever thinking I know what I’m doing.

God, is it true that you're thinkin' of me at this moment?
God, is it true that you hear every prayer that I pray?
God, is it true every time my heart beats, you know it?
Well, if it's all true, then that must be you I hear saying, "Trust Me.”

I’m reminding myself of my own words about being flexible and open during times of stress and change, but I’ve not been doing a very good job of it so far. Frankly, I have been downright upset about leaving a place I love, and I’m tired and heartsick and jetlagged…and I’ve been a colossal poot.

I’m pretty sure I owe everyone in my family an apology.

During this trip, it seems like Murphy’s Law has reigned…everything that could go wrong, did. Missed  and delayed flights, mix-ups with the shuttle driver that ended up with me and the children and our 10 pieces of luggage being deposited on the sidewalk in front of our new base like so many refugees, while we waited for Steve who was stuck behind us in traffic in the rental car. Only a small-sized hotel room being available for all 5 of us adult-sized people, then that room infested with mice, so we had to move to another (small) room. It has all had a sense of the ridiculous, like this couldn’t be real.

And I swear the people that are in the room above us are clog-dancing at 11 p.m.

I dreamed the other night that I was swimming in a bright blue ocean, with the warm sun shining down on me, and then I awoke to a grey, overcast day here in D.C.

I cried.

God, is it true out of all things you're doing on this planet,
Could it really be true that you've counted the hairs on my head?
God, is it true, every day of my life, you have planned it?
Well, if it's all true, then that must be you I hear saying, "Trust Me."

I don’t know that I can move forward without looking back a little bit, and allowing myself to be sad for what we are losing…sweet friends, a wonderful church, not to mention how much in love I fell with Hawaii and its people. I hate seeing my kids upset about leaving their sweet friends and community.

So I will miss it all…not just the warmth of the weather, but the warmth of the people. I will miss the young ones calling me “auntie” even when they don’t know me. The respectfulness. Being greeted with a kiss on the cheek and a hug.

I miss hugs.

I will miss the beautiful harmonies of the Hawaiian men’s group at our church. And the hula dancers. And the rice and the pulled pork and the pineapple. And my pineapple wine. And seeing the big sea turtles and fish in the water. And the sunsets behind my beautiful home in Pearl Harbor and the mountains. And my amazing neighbors.

And I will miss the sun.

I’ve wanted to roll myself in a ball under the covers, and hide and cry, but I don’t have the luxury to stay there. I've wanted to wrap myself in anger like a cloak, but who am I angry with? The Air Force? Steve? God? All the above?

Kids need schooling, our second son needs help enrolling in college, orthodontists and churches and housing need to be found. That is probably a saving grace, I’m sure, this business of everyday life.

I’ve tried to do some positive self-talk. Self, I say, you are being a big fat baby. Buck up! You had a year in paradise, and now you get to live in our nation’s capital. How many people get to do that? (and is it capital? or capitol? That’s another argument I’ve been having with myself)

But I don’t listen to me very well.

Trust Me, Trust Me
I'll never leave you
I'll never forsake you
Just trust me

I will get there. I know that…this too shall pass. We will explore here and find our place, and it will be good. But for now….

Aloha, beautiful Hawaii. I will miss you.

(lyrics from God Is It True by Steven Curtis Chapman)